Quotes tagged equally "funny" Showing 1-30 of viii,915
"You know the world is going crazy when the all-time rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America'southward Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Deutschland doesn't want to go to war, and the three nearly powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Demand I say more?" ― Chris Stone
"Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear." ― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked." ― George Carlin
"Never go to bed mad. Stay upward and fight." ― Phyllis Diller
"I did non attend his funeral, but I sent a dainty alphabetic character saying I approved of it." ― Marking Twain
"What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Aye, Pudge. My fox chapeau." "Why are yous wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Considering no one tin can catch the motherfucking fox." ― John Green, Looking for Alaska
"It's non true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." ― Marilyn Monroe
"Everyone should exist able to do one card pull a fast one on, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in example they are ever trapped in an elevator." ― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"They dearest their hair considering they're not smart enough to dearest something more interesting." ― John Green, Looking for Alaska
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye." ― Cathy Guiswite
"In one case you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nix that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes piece of cake." ― Albert Einstein
"It's not because I want to make out with her." Agree on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the newspaper as if he'd just made a mathematical quantum and and so looked support at me. "I merely did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that yous're total of shit" ― John Green, Looking for Alaska
"If a book virtually failures doesn't sell, is information technology a success?" ― Jerry Seinfeld
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In one case a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on information technology." ― Rodney Dangerfield
"Jesper knocked his head confronting the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. "Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills united states all, I'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost." Brekker's lips quirked. "I'll just hire Matthias' ghost to kick your ghost's ass." "My ghost won't acquaintance with your ghost," Matthias said primly, and and so wondered if the ocean air was rotting his brain." ― Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows
"Don't be so humble - you lot are non that swell." ― Golda Meir
"I idea I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me." "Information technology does? Oh - y'all're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably." ― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
"I'grand going to wake Peeta," I say. "No, expect," says Finnick. "Let'southward do it together. Put our faces correct in front of his." Well, there's and then little opportunity for fun left in my life, I concord. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a milk shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake upwardly," I say in a soft, singsong vox. His eyelids flutter open up and then he jumps like nosotros've stabbed him. "Aa!" Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, nosotros expect at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and information technology sets united states off over again." ― Suzanne Collins, Communicable Fire
"I cannot become to schoolhouse today" Said little Peggy Ann McKay. "I accept the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My rima oris is wet, my pharynx is dry. I'm going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big equally rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox.
And there's one more than - that'southward seventeen, And don't you call back my confront looks light-green? My leg is cut, my optics are blue, Information technology might be the instamatic flu.
I coughing and sneeze and gasp and asphyxiate, I'grand sure that my left leg is broke. My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button's caving in.
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, My 'pendix pains each time information technology rains. My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my pollex.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my oral cavity,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's aptitude, my spine ain't direct, My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There'due south a hole within my ear.
I take a hangnail, and my heart is ... What? What's that? What's that yous say? You say today is .............. Saturday?
G'bye, I'yard going out to play!" ― Shel Silverstein
"A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice." ― Pecker Cosby
"Did y'all see that dress?" "I saw the clothes." "Did you like information technology?" He didn't answer. I took that every bit a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the trip the light fantastic toe?" When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You lot'll endanger the school." I smiled and fell asleep." ― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
"If you're too open-minded; your brains volition fall out." ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set up Needs Home,'" I said. "'Badly Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Alone, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said." ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
"Um...is that affair tame?" Frank said. The horse whinnied angrily. "I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'." ― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
"Tin you surf really well, then?" I looked at Grover, who was trying hard non to express joy. "Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried." He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a girl of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth'due south mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, and then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this betoken, I was prepare to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)" ― Rick Riordan
"I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?" ― Stephanie Lennox, I Don't Remember Y'all
"Never miss a adept chance to shut up." ― Will Rogers
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